In a conversation with one of my boss’s (and a friend and brother in the Lord) before coming home this afternoon, he had brought up something about a guy he had to help out at the PO, that needed to do something, and in the process of talking; my boss started sharing for some unknown reason with this total stranger about the importance of family relationships with this man. My boss knows this only too well, having been separated from his wife and nine kids for a couple of years.
I said to my boss, that I was in the process of writing about that very thing, a ‘Fatherless generation’. I said to him, is it any wonder that there are so many men missing in action, missing dads, and why?
I said, maybe it’s because (and no excuses intended here) it has been orphaned boys who grew up that way, now trying to raise sons and daughters of their own.
Is it any wonder that there is such a rampant disintegration within our society with such a huge gaping hole in the hearts of so many children, and in the children, that are now father’s themselves with just as big a hole in them?
Well getting back to what had happened re: my son. To say that I was not a patient, loving, kind and understanding person in the past as a believer, would be very true, I wasn’t, and I’m still not, but that is another story for another time.
From the time the Lord found me on my way to hell, I always wanted to serve Him, and that was spelled out according to my warped perspective by going into the full time ministry. Long story short, my wife and children were so badly short changed through this endeavor, with many hurts and wounds in the process.
I’m trying to fill in some blanks here, with a bit of copying and pasting of other thoughts from a letter I wrote my son regarding what happened when he was over the other night. I trust it will make sense.
I said to my son, I was not aware of my behavior, but I do want to apologize for anything I did that had stirred up any painful bad memories.
It bothers me so badly knowing what a lost soul I was even though I was a Christian from before he was born. I do not want that kind of legacy left for you like the one left for me, and that’s why I wanted to jump right on this and hopefully it can be an opportunity for us to even get closer.
I said to my son, I never want to let things like this slide, as long as I have breath, of wanting to be there, available to both you and your sister, why, because your worth and value is priceless.
I wish to God that I could have had this kind of talk, connecting with my dad, but I know sadly, and too late, that he was an orphaned boy growing up himself.That’s why one day so clearly yet in my memory I said to my dad, “Dad, you owe me nothing, I owe you everything”. Meaning, as I was so very slowly learning what it meant to be a ‘man-father’ I wanted to reach out to this lost son, orphaned boy, and now an aged man, my father.
Is it any wonder that there is such a rampant disintegration within our society with such a huge hole in the hearts of so many children, and in the children, that are now father’s themselves with just as big of a hole in them?
All I know is that if it weren’t for the reality of being able to get to know my heavenly Father, it would be a living hellish nightmare for me, and living would be but a cruel sad joke.
What I am loving so much about all of what happened here and other things that have happened as a result of this, is seeing a confidence, a security, growing because of the true, total, unconditional loving acceptance of my heavenly Father, and that being loved, is freeing me to take responsibility for any and all of my actions.
I anticipate many good times with my son as this son (man) continues to discover the Father’s heart for all sons.