Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A Broken and Contrite Heart
This Christmas as great as it was just sped by way too fast for my wife and me.
So much has transpired over the years spending Christmas together as a young married couple without children for the first seven years until our first-born came along, and then three years later our last child.
So many Christmases and so many emotions attached to this seasonal highlight, some wonderful and some not so good at all.
This past Christmas was one of the best, if not the best one ever. Our son lives not that far away from us within our own neighborhood and our daughter was home for two weeks from university.
Normally when our daughter is home we get to see her in bits and pieces as she is one very popular girl amongst so many friends home at the same time for the season. This time was so different; she recognized her felt need to decompress and chill-out after a grueling time of studying so hard all year, accelerated with some major pre-Christmas exams. She didn’t tell any of her friends she was coming home. Compared to other years, it was like having her home all the time; so cool to walk out into the living room or where ever in the house only to see her enjoying herself so richly.
It is always a joy to see the growing, deepening, healing and reconciling taking place between our son and our daughter after so many very difficult years in their teens. Siblings can be so hurtful to one another.
A week ago last Friday I had to go our family clinic to see the staff-appointed doctor because ours was on holidays, because of a week long lung/bronchial chest cold that had started the Friday before with but a very sore throat.
I was prescribed a very powerful medicine along with an antibiotic. The stronger of the two made me feel as if I was on speed, just vibrating, not a good feeling at all.
In much of my past as a Christian in not truly, really experientially knowing the power of the Father’s love, I acted more like a son-of-a-bitch than a son of God. I am making NO excuses or trying to scapegoat on this at all, just sharing how at a deep, deep level within me experiencing what it means to be loved so totally and unconditionally has slowly freed me to begin living loved.
My children are seeing for the first time over the recent years what a true dad/father might just look and act like only because of me being Fathered all over again, only this time it’s being done with a perfect God and Father.
All of my time this Christmas, whenever I had time to spend with our daughter, it was rich beyond words. But last night an old button got pushed in me when I simply asked our daughter a question - only to totally misinterpret her reply.
I took it the wrong way and was hurt, going to bed without saying good night to my wife or daughter, but not being able to sleep because of the speed-like medication I was on, I slowly saw the truth of the situation and relinquished my stupidity to His healing heart.
I couldn’t wait for morning to come that I might ask my daughter for her forgiveness. In sharing what I wanted/needed to about the previous night’s fracas she said, “Dad, there is no need to apologize at all. I didn’t take your actions the wrong way.”
I said, “But my precious daughter, I need you to forgive me. I was so wrong, and there’s no excusing myself because of my medication either.” I went on to share with her that I never want ever to hurt any of my loved ones, wife, son or her. She said “I know, but I also know the truth about who you are now.”
Wow, what healing in those loving and powerful words she spoke to me as we embraced each other with me crying like a baby.
A broken and contrite heart is a pleasing thing to the father, unlimited healing, restoration; reconciliation flows from our inner being, as if a dam has been broken. I so want to continue receiving His total love for me that I might live loved and see Him free so may others.